Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If only
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
apparently this year was written by stephen king
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.