Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
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Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee