Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds