Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My typo game is string.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.