Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*