[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
yall want some gasoline milk
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.