It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
asking santa clause for nudes
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually