Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals