My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
What do you hear?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
girls literally only want one thing..
Perfect.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?