About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.