Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
You Might Also Like
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Mistakes were made
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast