*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Comparing yourself to others
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace