Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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it’s the silliest best thing
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Bobby pin
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”