i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
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I don’t get marriage
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Siri: Retweet me.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Just a reminder, folks:
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.