The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Never be a pizza!
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN