It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and