Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
You Might Also Like
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
podcasts
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m good, thanks.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?