Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Very problematic
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.