On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?