KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’