Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Cha-ching is my safe word
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people