assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.