The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.