I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information