Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Twitter remains undefeated
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
This is not me but this is me
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode