What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.