Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You Might Also Like
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*