Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
brian had himself a morning…
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?