My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway