Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.