Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Effort made
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.