Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
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The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
S O O N
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
…żyje?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3