Bill is short for Billiam
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
what it’s like dating me:
Still cracks me up
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”