5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My dog ate my work from home.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]