*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?