I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?