If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.