My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank