People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life