My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
You Might Also Like
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough