Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?