Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.