The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.