One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really