self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.