7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.