My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.