Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?