Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
You Might Also Like
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX