Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.